Here are some things that I want you to know about this list. The books listed below are books that I have either read or am very familiar with. I often recommend them to clients and clients often find them helpful. This is not an exhaustive list but a starting point. When you read one book, you may discover additional books I haven’t listed here. I recommend that you read through this list and start with one that piques your curiosity. 

With these tips in mind, I hope you find this list useful. Please know that I am an Amazon Associate and that I earn a small commission when you purchase a book from one of these links. That commission goes to support this work and at no additional cost to you.

Books on depression and anxiety

The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Revers the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time by Alex Korb, PhD explores the brain science behind depression. He emphasizes the concept of “upward spirals,” where one small positive change in a person’s life can make it easier to take other small steps toward improved mood and mental health. Read this book if you’re looking for small, actionable steps that you can take to improve your mental health.

Anxiety Gone: The Three C’s of Anxiety Recovery, written by Stanley Hibbs, PhD gives a brief overview of how to overcome anxiety and live a calmer and more relaxed life. This book is so short that you could finish it within one day and come away equipped to address panic attacks, social anxiety, and phobias. Because it is short and simple, I highly recommend this book for teens, too.

Books Related to Trauma Recovery.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, written by trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., explores the effects of trauma on the human body, mind, and brain. He explains the science of trauma, highlighting how traumatic memories can become stored in the body and lead to various psychological and physical symptoms. Dr. van der Kolk explores different interventions that can help individuals recover from trauma and find healing.

Self-Therapy: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness Using IFS, A Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, a book written by Jay Earley, introduces Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic technique that focuses on exploring and understanding one’s internal “parts” – the different aspects of a person’s psyche – and rebuild trust with oneself. I have listed this book in this section because loss of trust with oneself is a common problem with complex trauma; however, IFS is a good approach for anyone who wants to improve their relationship with themselves.The book offers step-by-step instructions on how to apply IFS techniques for self-discovery, healing, and personal growth. It empowers readers to engage in a self-therapy process to address inner conflicts and develop a harmonious relationship with one’s inner “parts”. 

Self-Therapy Workbook: An Exercise Book for the IFS Process, written by Bonnie J. Weiss LCSW, is a companion guide to Self-Therapy by Jay Earley. The workbook offers readers practical exercises to explore their inner world, identify various “parts” of themselves, and work toward healing and integration. Though this is a companion workbook, I think that it gives enough information about the IFS process for it to stand alone.

The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith, written by Grief Recovery Institute founders John W. James and Russell Friedman guides individuals through the complex journey of grief. Drawing on their experience in the grief recovery field, the authors offer a step-by-step approach to help readers process and heal from various forms of loss, such as death, divorce, or any significant life change. The first half of the book challenges the common misconceptions about grief and how to effectively address and resolve unresolved emotions. I have listed this book in this section because grief and loss are a common part of the trauma experience; however, this is a useful resource for loss due to any reason.

Books on breaking free of abuse

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, written by  Lundy Bancroft, and drawn from his years of experience working with both perpetrators and victims of domestic violence, dives into the psychology and patterns of abusive behavior in relationships; Bancraft wrote this book primarily for a female audience. If you have tried everything imaginable to make your relationship work and you’re still scratching you head wondering what’s going on, then I recommend this book. It sheds light on the various tactics, attitudes, and beliefs that abusive individuals use to control and manipulate their partners. It offers guidance on recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship, making informed decisions about one’s safety, and finding ways to heal and move forward.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can–and Should–be Saved, another book written by Lundy Bancroft, offers guidance on evaluating whether to continue the relationship or to leave for the sake of personal well-being. Written primarily for individuals experiencing abusive or harmful relationships, this book provides insights into the different types of abusive behavior, their impact on victims, and the potential for change in the abuser. I highly recommend this book if you are grappling with the difficult decision of staying in your relationship or leaving it.

Books on setting boundaries

Set Boundaries, Find Peace, written by licensed therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, focuses on the importance of establishing healthy boundaries if you want to decrease stress, improve mental health, and enjoy more satisfying relationships. The book is simple and straightforward and addresses boundary-setting with family, friends, and coworkers. Tawwab offers practical advice on how to set boundaries, and includes a lot of sample scripts to get you started. 

Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships, a relationship guide also written by Nedra Glover Tawwab aims to help readers identify dysfunctional family patterns and learn how to break cycles of unhealthy relationships. The book covers a range of issues including the trauma of emotional neglect, the legacy of addicted or absent parents, mental health struggles in relatives, and more. By reading this guide you can gain the tools you need to take control of your life, heal from past family-related wounds, and honor your true self.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, written by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, addresses the challenges faced by individuals raised by parents who lack emotional maturity. This book covers common traits of emotionally immature parents, the effect on their children, and how to heal and develop healthier relationships in adulthood. It offers practical advice on how to navigate your relationship with your parents in a way that honors the relationship while honoring your emotional needs.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offers insights and practical advice on setting boundaries in various aspects of life. The authors use a combination of psychological principles, biblical wisdom, and real-life examples to illustrate their concepts and to provide a framework to develop healthier relationships and lead a more balanced life.

Codependent No More written by Melody Beattie is an influential book in the field of codependency. The book addresses this dysfunctional and often unhealthy way of relating to others often at the expense of yourself. The book provides guidance and understanding of the root cause of codependency and teaches how to set healthy boundaries, develop self-esteem, and gain independence and self-reliance. Read this book if you want to learn how to focus on your own well-being rather than fixate on the problems of others.

Books on dating and marriage

How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind by Dr. John Van Epp teaches readers how to make wise choices in their pursuit of love. In the book, Dr. Van Epp introduces the Relationship Attachment Model as a guide to assess potential romantic partners. The book emphasizes the importance of getting to know someone before committing to them. I recommend this resource if you want to establish a healthy relationship while avoiding the pitfalls of falling for the wrong person.

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman distills decades of research into seven principles that, when followed, can improve the success of your marriage. Dr. Gottman filled this book with simple exercises to help you improve your intimate relationship. This is a valuable resource if you want to strengthen your relationship and improve communication.

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix teaches how to communicate in a way that will increase intimacy and connection. The book is based on Imago Relationship Therapy which Hendrix and his wife developed. He teaches that many of the challenges in an intimate relationship stem from difficulty in our relationships with our primary caregivers when we were children. The book provides practical exercises that will help couples increase empathy, improve communication, and heal from past relationship wounds. This book has been influential in the field of couples therapy and has helped many people transform their relationships.

Hold Me Tight is a book by Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. In her book, Dr. Johnson goes beyond the “tools” for building an intimate relationship. She argues that the key to a fulfilling relationship is emotional connection. She teaches how to recognize negative communication cycles and how to change them for improved intimacy, empathy, and healing. This book offers a compassionate approach for any couple that wants to build a more loving and resilient partnership.

An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald is a workbook for couples who want to understand and build a secure bond with their partner. The workbook walks couples through Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) -based exercises aimed at helping couples to tune into their emotions and needs and to communicate them to their partner in a way that brings their partner close. This workbook is for couples who no longer want to sweep emotions under the rug but want to understand how to respectfully acknowledge and work through each other’s emotional experiences.

Books on Parenting

Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy is a parenting book that provides a fresh perspective on raising children. In her book, Dr. Kennedy prioritizes connecting with children over correcting them. She offers practical strategies that helps parents transition from uncertainty to confidence in parenting. While many authors can leave parents feeling guilty and ashamed, Dr. Becky has a way of helping parents to feel supported and empowered as parents. This book is a valuable resources for parents seeking compassionate but effective parenting advice.

The Whole-Brain Child is a bestselling book by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson that helps parents understand how to support their children’s emotional development. The authors draw from the latest research in neuroscience to explain how a child’s brain functions and develops and teach how to promote emotional intelligence, foster empathy, and help children develop better self-regulation skills. If you’re looking for practical advice on how to better connect with and support your children, then this is a valuable book to read.

No-Drama Discipline, another book written by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, and also drawing from the latest research of developmental neuroscience, provides parents with practical skills for helping children develop self-control and emotional regulation. The key concept of the book is to shift away from punitive discipline and toward a more empathetic and understanding approach. They provide strategies for communicating with children in a way that will maintain a strong parent-child bond even during moments of discipline. Read this book if you’re looking for more constructive and harmonious ways to discipline and support your children’s emotional development.

Remember, this is a starting place. Feel free to pick and choose from this list of books for mental health and relationships to aid you in this part of your healing journey. If you would like help applying your reading to your unique situation, (and you’re a resident of Washington State) schedule a free consultation. If you’re not a resident but would like to stay in touch, sign up for email updates.

Thank you for trusting me with this part of your healing journey.

The post Transforming Your Life: 21 Must-Read Books for Mental Health and Relationships appeared first on Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC.

As I thought about it more, I realized that we have a wealth of internal resources available to guide and direct our lives. Different from external resources that we must work to obtain, internal resources are there for the taking but we must learn how to access and use them for our benefit.

So, what does it mean to be emotionally self-reliant?

Emotional self-reliance is our ability to understand our body’s signals and choose how to act.

Every emotion serves a purpose and communicates information to us. As we learn how to listen and learn how to respond, we become less depend on others to help us feel good and we can rely on ourselves to meet our emotional needs.

After I shared my thoughts with the congregation, I decided to record my thoughts for you as well.

Ready to become more emotionally self-reliant? Listen to the MP3 and download the handout now.

If you would like to go even deeper, check out Emotions Made Simple, the online course that will help you transform your relationship with your emotions for less than the cost of one therapy session.

And if you’re a resident of Washington State and would like one-on-one counseling to support you in your journey toward greater emotional self-reliance, book a free consultation now.

Thank you for trusting me on this part of your journey.

The post Six Skills for Emotional Self-reliance appeared first on Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC.

If you want to create a new relationship with your emotions, start by taking stock of how they’re affecting your life right now.

Now, you may not want to think about your emotions right now. I get it. It can be discouraging to think about your problems. Please know that taking stock of your emotional experience is not meant to keep you stuck but to identify where you’re at so that you can know where you want to go.

Watch the video for the details and then come back and answer the questions below.

After watching the video, pull out your journal or a piece of paper and write answers to these questions:

1. How are my emotions affecting my life right now?
2. What are my emotions keeping me from doing?
3. What do I not do in my life because I’m afraid of feeling uncomfortable?
4. If I wasn’t struggling so much with my emotions, what would I rather be doing?

Once you know what you want to change, now it’s time to chart your course to making positive change in your life, and I’d love to help.

1. Schedule a consultation to learn more about how counseling services can meet you where you’re at and guide you to where you want to be.
2. Enroll in Emotions Made Simple, a self-guided course that helps you transform your relationship with your emotions for less than the price of one therapy session.
3. Sign up for email updates for more free resources.

You really can transform your relationship with your emotions.

Thank you for trusting me with this part of your journey.

The post The First Step to Transform Your Relationship with Your Emotions appeared first on Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC.

Introducing the Trauma Recovery Scale

In the mid-90’s, Dr. Eric Gentry, a Master Traumatologist, established a way to measure clients’ progress in trauma treatment. He took the diagnostic criteria for PTSD and changed them around to create the Trauma Recovery Scale. This scale reveals ten signs to watch for when recovering from trauma.

Here they are…

First, You make it through most days without distressing memories.

When living with trauma, smells, objects, and locations can take you back to the time of the trauma. It can feel like you’re reliving the memory in the present. One of the signs that you’re healing from trauma is that you can make it through most days in the present without reliving those memories. The memories feel like something that happened in the past rather than something that you’re reliving every day.

2. You Rarely Have Nightmares

One of the ways that our bodies process information is through dreams. Many trauma survivors experience nightmares. So, as you heal from trauma, those nightmares fade away and you have more peaceful nights of sleep.

3. You Feel in Control of Your Emotions Even When Thinking About Difficult Memories

When you have survived trauma, difficult memories can feel threatening. Your body can go into fight-or-flight. In this state it can feel like your emotions are out of control. Part of the work of trauma recovery is to help your body to remain calm even when thinking about difficult memories. You can think about what happened and talk about what happened and still feel in control of your body and emotions.

4. You Can Do Things That You Used to Avoid

One of the great tragedies of trauma is that it can limit your life. You avoid certain activities because you become afraid of overwhelming emotions. When you heal from trauma, you start to be able to engage in activities that you used to avoid. If you find yourself getting out there and enjoying the things that you used to avoid, then this is one of the signs that you are healing from trauma.

5. You are Safe and you Feel Safe

If you are in active danger your body cannot heal from trauma. Your body recovers when you are physically safe. However, even when you know logically that you are safe, your body, can trigger the sense that you are not safe. If you are safe and you also feel safe, then you are recovering from trauma.

6. You Have Supportive Relationships in Your LIfe

We are wounded in relationships and we heal in relationships. Trauma occurs when we are threatened by other people. This can lead to feeling unsafe around otherwise safe people. One signs of trauma recovery is that you have supportive people in your life.

7. You Can Safely Feel a Full Range of Emotions

People who have been traumatized have difficulty feeling emotions. As a result, they often avoid them. Even happiness can feel agitating. Recently, I learned how to catch the early signs of my body going into a threat response and I started to train my body to stay calm. I started learning new information about myself in the process. I started to realize that I became anxious whenever I felt happy. It was as though I was always waiting for something bad to happen. I started feeling happy without getting anxious. Some people find it difficult to feeling vulnerable feelings like sadness or grief. Once person told me that they trained themselves not to feel sadness because it made them too vulnerable when they were growing up. They did not want to be weak–they had to be strong. When you are recovering from trauma, you are able to feel a full range of emotions and the experience feels safe.

8. You Can Allow Things to Happen In Your Surroundings Without Needing to Control Them.

Trauma survivors often feel the need to control things in their environment. They need outcomes to go a certain way or they don’t feel safe. When you are recovering from trauma, you are able to allow things to happen around you without feeling so much distress.

9. You Can Concentrate on Thoughts of Your Choice

Trauma can cause a lot of intrusive thoughts. This is your body’s way of trying to heal and make sense of what happened. It can feel as though you have no control over your thoughts. When you have been recovering from trauma, you will feel as though you can concentrate on the thoughts of your choice most of the time.

10. You Have a Sense of Hope about the Future.

Trauma can feel confusing and can create a sense of hopelessness. When you are healing, you begin to have hope about the future.

Conclusion

I hope that this gives you a sense of what’s possible as you heal from trauma. You may be surprised to find that you have already made progress in some of these areas. Perhaps this also gives some ideas of what else is possible.

If you want to go even deeper into your self-healing journey, check out Emotions Made Simple. It’s designed to help you make sense of overwhelming emotions and take massive action toward your goals.

Thank you for trusting me with this part of your healing journey.

The post 10 Signs That You’re Healing From Trauma appeared first on Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC.

Have you ever wondered this? You feel wound up and tense around your children. You want to be the best parent you can be but struggle to keep your cool. 

You use every skill available to you and you go along great for a while only to have an explosive episode that leaves you wondering, “where did that come from?” You feel terrible as a parent and wonder if there’s ever going to be a way to break this cycle.

I get it because I have wondered the same thing for many years. I tried all the things that I taught my clients to do: take a deep breath, build in a pause between trigger and response, take a break, etc.

But recently I realized that there is one thing that has been missing. Once I learned this, I had a drastic change in the way I felt around my children. Here it is:

In order to stop losing your temper with your children, you must understand why you’re yelling at them in the first place.

And no, it’s not because you’re tired or because they’re disobeying you, or because you’re not trying hard enough. 

It’s because your autonomic nervous system is hyperfunctioning. Learn to regulate your nervous system and you’ll be able to manage your temper around your children in no time.

What is the autonomic nervous system?

The autonomic nervous system is a network of nerves and cells that carry messages to and from the brain to various parts of the body. It regulates your heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, digestion and sexual arousal–in other words, it regulates various functions of your body involuntarily without you having to think about it. 

The nervous system includes the sympathetic nervous system which is responsible for getting you amped up, and it includes the parasympathetic nervous system which is responsible for helping your body to rest. 

When your sympathetic nervous system gets activated, you go into “fight or flight.” Your heart rate increases, your breathing gets shallow, your pupils dilate, your hearing becomes keen, and your muscles tense. Your body is gearing up to either fight or get out of the situation.

The parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for “rest and digest” processes like slowing of heart rate, slowing of breathing, digestion, elimination, and relaxation.

Your body can either be in one or the other. It cannot be in both at the same time.

The threat response leads to losing your temper

One component of the nervous system is the threat response system. When your body detects a threat, that information goes through a part of your brain called the amygdala and down a nerve in your spinal column called the vagus nerve. This nerve connects with your heart, lungs, and muscles in your neck, among others. Your heart rate increases, your muscles tense, your breathing increases. Before you are even aware of the threat, your body has already mobilized into self-defense and activation–this is the nervous system in action.

The reason why you lose your temper with your children is because your logic and reasoning go offline when you’re having a threat response. You can’t think through how you want to respond. You don’t have access to good parenting strategies. Your body is taking over. 

The threat response is involuntary

Your history determines what you experience as threatening. Something that activates your threat response may not do the same for someone else.

Here’s how to tell when you’re having a threat response. Your muscles involuntarily tense. Did you know that the only reason your muscles involuntarily tighten is because you’re in a threat response?

When you’re in a threat response for a prolonged period of time, energy builds up until it explodes out of your body–i.e. Yelling at your children. Once you get to this point, it happens involuntarily, This is why it can feel like you have no control over it.

So does that mean that there’s no hope? Does that mean that you are doomed to be subjected to your body’s response without any say in the matter?

Absolutely not.

Learn to interrupt the threat response and you can live in a calm body more often than not. After all, this is the way our body what always meant to live. Calm body = no pent up energy. No pent up energy means that you can stop losing your temper with your children. Staying in a calm body means that you can put those good parenting skills to use.

Here’s how to interrupt the threat response.

Here are four steps that you can use to interrupt your threat response. 

1. Build in a pause. 

Victor Frankyl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” 

Build in a pause and you start to have space to choose how to act. 

But what can you do in that pause to bring your body into a state of calm?

2. Use tools that quickly and effectively switch your body from threat response to calm. 

You don’t have to take a long time away from life to get back into a calm body. With a little practice, you can literally do this in three seconds or less. These tools include things like,

• Muscle relaxation. When you relax your tense muscles, you interrupt your threat response and bring back a state of calm.
• Abdominal breathing. Focusing on your breathing allows you to activate your focus while at the same time bringing oxygen into your body. Both help to interrupt the threat response and reengage a state of rest and digest.
• Imagery. Imagine yourself in a calm and peaceful place. Activate all of your senses by noticing what you see, hear, feel, and smell. Notice what you you feel inside your body. If you feel calm, congratulations! You just accessed a state of calm.

3. Notice what it feels like to feel calm.

Study this feeling. Memorize it. Notice how it’s different from tension. Notice what changes and shifts in your body. Take a mental note that this is what it feels to be relaxed. Then, next time you want to calm you body, you can access this feeling in a matter of seconds.

4. Check in with your body throughout the day. 

My guess is that every time you check in you will notice that your body is tense. Remember, this is your body have a threat response. Energy is building up and it’s bound to come out if you don’t interrupt it. Use your favorite skill to quickly interrupt this threat response. You’ve just reset your nervous system. Continue to interrupt the threat response throughout the day and over time your body will learn to live in a state of calm more than in a state of threat.

That’s it. Simple, right?

To be clear, just because it’s simple doesn’t mean that it’s easy.

The best way to learn how to regulate your nervous system is to experience it for yourself. 

In order to switch from threatened to calm–fast, you’ll need to have a felt-sense of what this feels like in your body. In order to do this, you will need to experience it for yourself.

Here are three exercises that you can try to experience the power of flipping the switch from tense to relaxed.

1. Scan your body from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. Notice any muscles that are tense. Relax them as you go.
2. Relax the muscles in your whole body at once by relaxing the muscles in your pelvic floor.
3. If you’re having difficulty relaxing these muscles, you can try a progressive muscle technique in which you practicing tensing and then releasing groups of muscles in your body.

Once you experience the difference between relaxation and tension, you will be able to flip the switch anytime you want and stop losing your temper with your children.

Conclusion

Now that you know why you involuntarily lose your temper. You have the power to interrupt your threat response so that you can show up for you children the way that you always wanted.

If you would like to go deeper and get even more tools to help you regulate your nervous system, check out the Quick Calm Toolkit which is full of 15 simple but powerful strategies for a predictably stress-free body.

Thank you for trusting me on this part of your healing journey.

The information in this post is general information for educational purposes only. While Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor, the information on this site is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or psychological advice. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-client relationship.

The post How to Stop Losing Your Temper with Your Children appeared first on Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC.

If this is you, you’re not alone. When you get to this point, it can be frustrating and confusing to figure out where communication is going wrong, let alone know how to fix it.

Here’s why:

Your threat response turns off your ability to communicate effectively.

It turns off your spouse’s ability to communicate effectively too. This can create a vicious cycle causing more hurt and making communication more difficult in the long run.

In this post, I’m going to talk about three ways to interrupt your threat response, and how to drastically improve communication with your spouse.

First, let’s talk about what the threat response is and how it affects communication.

The Threat Response Is a Built-in Alarm System

It’s responsible for getting you to safety. It causes physiological processes in your body to gear it up to fight back or to get out of the situation.

Here’s an example: 

Imagine that you’re preparing to cross a street. You step into the street but then notice that a fast-moving vehicle is coming straight at you. 

Are you going to stop and think, “Gee…it looks like a car is coming in my direction. Hmm…is it going fast enough to hit me? Or is it going slow enough that I can safely cross the street?” 

Heck no!

You’re going to simply react. Your body is going to jump out of the street before you’ve had a chance to think about it. 

This is the exact same process that is happening when you’re going into a threat response while in a conversation with your partner. 

In the heat of the moment your body is going. “WARNING! WARNING! THREAT!” and responding.

It goes straight to fighting back, withdrawing, or shutting down. You don’t have a say about it once you get to that point.

Your history determines what you find threatening. Something that you find threatening may not be threatening to someone else and something that is threatening to someone else may not be threatening to you.

If you experienced trauma in childhood or in previous intimate relationships, it can be particularly difficult to communicate with your spouse because your threat response is on hyper alert. It can be difficult to tell whether your sense of threat is coming from your partner or if it’s coming from your past.

When you go into a threat response, your body uses all of its resources to survive. It amps up certain functions in your body and it turns off other functions. Your heart rate and blood pressure increase. Your breathing increases. And your muscles tense. 

Meanwhile, non-urgent functions like logic and reasoning go offline.

This is why communication becomes difficult…

The Threat Response Turns Off the Logic and Reasoning Part of the Brain

This part of the brain is unique to humans and makes it possible for us to be at the top of the food chain. It makes it possible for us to do the many things that are unique to our species like plan, organize, think logically, reason, and manage emotions.

It makes it possible for us to do things like solve problems and communicate effectively with our spouse.

When this part of the brain goes off-line, we can no longer respond in a rational way. We can’t talk through the problem and we certainly can’t solve the problem.

You’ve probably experienced this before: you’re talking with your spouse or partner and all of a sudden you have a flood of overwhelming emotions. 

Depending on how you tend to cope, you may automatically respond in one of a few ways. You may attack back by saying things that you would never say when you’re feeling calm and rational. You may withdraw and abruptly leave the conversation. Or you may freeze and shut down like a deer in headlights. You have no idea what to say and you have no idea how you got here.

What You Can Do Interrupt Your Threat Response

So, what can you do about this threat response? Here are three strategies to help you communicate better with your spouse or partner.

1. Build in a Pause

Begin by building in a pause. When you build in a pause, you create a space between stimuli and response.

Victor Frankyl, a Jewish-Austrian psychiatrist who survived the Nazi Auschwitz concentration camp and wrote the book, Man’s Search for Meaning said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

When you can notice what triggers you, you can choose how to respond.

Build in a pause by noticing when your body is under threat. Pay attention to the things that cause you to go into threat mode. Is it something that the other person says? Are there certain topics that are upsetting for you? Is there a look or a certain look or tone of voice that’s upsetting to you.

This awareness raising is really important. It shifts your body out of threat mode, keeps your logic and reasoning online, and gives you a space to choose how you want to respond. Building in a pause can take practice, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes.

2. Take a Break

When you notice that you feel reactive rather than rational, it’s time to take a break. It will be difficult to stay engaged in the conversation at this point and the best thing you can do is step a way and give your body time to reset.

Dr. John Gottman, a Marriage and Relationship researcher at the University of Washington refers to the activation of the threat response as emotional flooding. He has found that people need at least 20 minutes to reset. He also recommends that couples regroup within 24 hours. Once your logic as reasoning is back online you can come back and respond in the way you want to.

I recommend having a conversation with your spouse or partner ahead of time, if it feels safe.

This conversation could go something like this:

“I just learned about this thing called emotional flooding. I learned that when people are having difficult conversations that can get triggered and feel threatened and it makes it so that they can’t think clearly. I’ve noticed that sometimes when we’re talking that happens to me and I’ve noticed that sometimes this happens to you. I would like to work toward having a conversation where all of our faculties are online. In order to do that, if I notice that I am feeling flooded, I would like to take a step away from the conversation and come back when I have had a chance to regroup. Does that sound good to you?”

Feel free to adapt the verbiage in a way that works for you. The idea is to acknowledge ahead of time that emotional flooding is a thing and to come up with a strategy or a plan with your partner so that you’re not all of a sudden stepping away. When you step away without your partner understanding why, it can lead to a sense of abandonment and this can cause a breach in the relationship.

3. Learn to Regulate Your Emotions.

When you can regulate your emotions, you can stay in the conversation longer while keeping the logic and reasoning part of your brain online. 

When you regulate your emotions you don’t get triggered as easily. If you do get triggered, you’re able to interrupt the threat response before you get to the point where your logic and reasoning go offline.

I teach all about how to do this in my course Emotions Made Simple. This course walks you through a step-by-step process to identify your triggers, break down your emotional response, and transform your relationship with your emotions

Even if nothing changes with your spouse, being able to regulate your emotions will become a superpower that will help you to think through how you want to respond and how to navigate the conversation.

Go to sheenakaascounseling.thinkific.com to learn more.

Conclusion

Your threat response can cause your logic and reasoning to go offline. This makes it difficult for you to navigate through a difficult conversation with your spouse or partner. With some strategies, you will be able to communicate better with your spouse.

Remember to build in a pause, detect when you’re under threat, and learn strategies to regulate your emotions.

I would love to help you. Check out Emotions Made Simple to learn more about how this course can help you regulate your emotions. Even if nothing changes with your spouse, you will have tools to navigate conflict in a better way.

Thank you for trusting me with this part of your healing journey.

The information in this post is general information for educational purposes only. While Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor, the information on this site is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or psychological advice. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-client relationship.

The post Why Communication with Your Spouse Is Difficult + 3 Strategies to Fix It appeared first on Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC.

If you’ve struggled with this then you’re not alone. This is common among people who struggle with anxiety. During the day, your tasks distract you from your worries. But as soon as you lay down, all of the distractions melt away and you’re left with your thoughts.

This rumination can be frustrating. It keeps you up and leaves you feeling more exhausted the next day, making it more difficult to cope. You either lay in bed trying to distract yourself with social media or you lay there fighting with your thoughts. The fear of not falling asleep compounds your anxiety turning your bed from a place of rest into a place that you dread. 

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way. With some simple changes, you can stop racing thoughts and finally get a better night of sleep.

If you’re ready to spend less time worrying, and more time sleeping, then this post is for you.

Here are 3 tricks that you can use to stop racing thoughts so that you can fall asleep faster and get more rest.

Prepare for Bed With a Transition Routine

If you’re having racing thoughts when you get into bed then your body may be in the habit of using your bed as a place to worry. A transition routine can help.

A transition is a short period of time that helps you change gears from your waking life to your slumbering rest.

It includes anything that sends your body the message that you’re done with the day and that you’re ready to sleep.

Your transition routine doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as short as five minutes or as long as 30 minutes.

When my children were babies I taught them to sleep in their beds by using a transition routine. I would change them, read to them in a particular chair, and then lay them down in a specific way. Next, I would say the same final words to them each night before I left the room. I did this exact same routine every day so that when they came to this point, they knew it was time for bed.

Adult bodies work the same way. When you train your body to sleep, it can help to have a set routine.

Again, it doesn’t have to be dramatic. It can be simple. Here are a few things that you can do during this time:

• Change your clothing
• Brush your teeth
• Take a shower or bath
• Read
• Meditate
• Journal
• Make a list of priorities for the next day
• Stretch

Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you do daytime activities during the day and discontinue them when it’s time to transition to bed.

Then, once you’re in bed, use it for sleeping only. Get up if you don’t fall asleep within 15 minutes. Don’t stay in bed ruminating. Get up and come back when you feel tired.

When you’re in bed, don’t watch videos or read things on your phone. This is counter productive to helping your brain rest. You’re going to bring thoughts and images into your brain that are going to keep your mind going.

Get Thoughts Out of Your Head and Down on Paper

Get out a piece of paper and write everything down. This is not a to-do list. This isn’t everything that you need to get done the next day. If that’s what’s on your mind then feel free to write it down but that’s not necessarily what this is.

This is an opportunity to get everything on your mind down on paper. It helps your mind to know that it’s written down somewhere. When you have anxiety, your body works really hard to make sure you don’t miss anything. But when you write it down, your mind knows it’s stored somewhere so you don’t have to do all the heavy lifting.

Relax Your Body

Once you’re in bed, try this trick: relax every muscle in your body. Try and get as relaxed as you can without falling asleep.

When your muscles are tense, this is a sign that your body is having a threat response. Racing thoughts can be part of this threat response. Your mind will race as a way to try to make sense of the threat. If you can calm your body, the sense of threat will stop and your body will stop the racing thoughts.

Treat this exercise like an experiment. If racing thoughts have been disrupting your sleep, your body may have an added level of fear that an exercise like this won’t work.

Your brain might go something like this: “UH. Oh. We’re supposed to relax now. It’s not going to work. Nothing ever works. What if it doesn’t work? Then we’re never going to get to sleep and we’re not going to be able to function tomorrow. And what if I never get any sleep? I’m never going to be able to function again!”

Let’s remove the expectation that relaxing will help you fall asleep. The exercise is to simply relax. This is an experiment and you are gathering information to see what happens.

Conclusion

Racing thoughts before bed can be frustrating. They can disrupt your ability to get a good night of sleep. Fortunately, there are things you can do to break this cycle.

Remember to transition to bed, write down your worries, and get as relaxed as you can without falling asleep.

If you found this useful, check out more strategies in the Quick Calm Toolkit. The toolkit has one more sleep strategy that I didn’t cover here, plus 12 additional strategies to help you live in a predictably stress-free body.

Thank you for trusting me with this part of your healing journey.

The information in this post is general information for educational purposes only. While Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor, the information on this site is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or psychological advice. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-client relationship.

The post Get More Sleep Tonight: 3 Tricks to Stop Racing Thoughts appeared first on Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC.

Whether you’re looking to do as much as you can on your own before considering a therapist or want to augment your therapy to get the most out of your sessions, here are seven things that you can do on your own to make progress toward your trauma recovery goals.

How to heal from trauma

In order to know how to heal trauma without going to therapy, it can be helpful to understand what is necessary to heal trauma in the first place.

In order to heal trauma, you need:

1. Education. In order to heal from trauma it will be helpful to understand what is happening in your body and why it’s happening.
2. Turn shame into self-compassion. Trauma can leave you feeling like there’s something wrong with you. People who heal from trauma are able to turn that shame into self-understanding and self-compassion.
3. Safe social connection. Trauma occurs from painful past learning in relationships. People who heal from trauma find it beneficial to find people who are safe, healthy, and supportive.
4. Neuroception. This is the ability to detect safety in the environment around you even when you feel threatened. Trauma can cause benign situations to feel threatening. Part of healing from trauma will include beginning to detect safety even when your body feels threatened.
5. Interoception. This is the ability to detect your body’s threat response. It goes hand-in-hand with neuroception because you need to detect when your body is under threat in order to start to train it that it’s safe.
6. Build skills to interrupt the threat response. People who heal from trauma have a toolkit to draw from to interrupt their threat response. The toolkit doesn’t need to be big or complicated, it only needs to contain the essential skills that work for you. These are skills that you can implement in three seconds or less as you’re going about your day.
7. In vivo exposure. This is a fancy way of saying that people who recover from trauma have opportunities to practice their skills in a variety of stressful situations. You don’t need to go out of your way to find stressful situations, you just need to practice staying in a calm body while going about life.

For about 50%-60% of trauma survivors, this is enough. The other 40-50% of the population will benefit from trauma processing with a therapist; however, there is a lot that you can do on your own to help move treatment along before you get to this point.

Now that you have a brief overview of what is needed in order to recover from trauma. Let’s talk about which of these things you can do on your own and which would benefit with the help of a therapist.

Of course, a therapist can help with each of these things. However, most things you can do on your own so that you can get the most out of treatment. In order to tease these things out, let’s go over each step and talk in more depth about what you can do on your own and when to seek help of a therapist.

1. Learn About Trauma

In order to heal from trauma it will be important to get a firm understanding of what has happened to you in the first place. This includes having an owner’s manual for your nervous system.

The nervous system is your body’s internal communication system between brain and body. When you have been traumatized, you detect threat in the environment that isn’t actually there. You hear a certain tone of voice, see certain body language, hear certain sounds, smell certain aromas, or have certain feelings in your body and it reminds your body of something painful that happened in the past.

Your body sends you into fight or flight mode before you’re consciously aware of a threat. If you can’t fight back or flee then your body goes into a depression and/or dissociates, making it difficult to engage in life.

When you’re having a threat response, your logic and reasoning goes offline and you can’t solve problems. You may have flashbacks as your body tries to recall memories. This is your body trying to heal.

What you can do on your own

As you learn about trauma, you can go into more depth about all of this. Those who recover from trauma find it extremely helpful to understand why their body does what it does.

You can learn more by reading or watching the work of

Bessel van der Kolk

Peter Levine

James Gordon

Gabor Mate

Steven Porges

Janina Fisher

I would recommend starting with Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score.

How a trauma therapist can help

A therapist can review your symptoms and give you information catered to your unique experience. However, if you have already done some research on your own, then you can come in prepared to ask questions for your unique situation. This can save you time and money on your healing journey.

Plus, when you’re already self-educated about trauma, you become an agent in your healing. You are the leader and your therapist is your support person. This can do wonders for helping you to rebuild the trust with yourself that is so often lost as a result of trauma.

2. Turn Shame into Self-Compassion

The second step of trauma recovery is turning shame into self-compassion. Trauma-survivors can feel like something is wrong with them. They can feel like they are bad.

Self-education about trauma can really help turn shame into self-compassion. Instead of feeling like something is wrong with you, you can start to feel like something wrong happened to you.

You can fighting against your body, you can become an ally and a change agent for your body. Instead of trying to push painful sensations down (which totally makes sense!) you can become curious about what’s going on.

In short, you can stop having a threat response to your threat response.

What you can do on your own

Brene Brown said that you need three things to exponentially increase shame: secrecy, silence, and judgment. However, if you douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. Here’s how you can start to break the shame cycle on your own.

• Acknowledge what you’re feeling. Google search for a list of emotions and identify every single emotion that you’re feeling right now.

• Talk with someone you trust about how you’re feeling. If needed, coach them on what you need in order to feel validated and supported.

• Journal about it. Write about what you went through. Wrap it up with what positive lessons you have learned about yourself.

• Give yourself affirmations like, “Even though I feel really bad right now, I still love and accept myself.”

• Attend to polarized parts of yourself. Shame can be complicated when a part of you recognizes that you feel shame but another part of you feels bad about feeling shame. Learning to look at both parts of yourself with compassion can help. This type of polarization can be addressed with a resource like Bonnie J. Weiss’ Self Therapy Workbook: An Exercise Book for the IFS Process.

• Learn as much as you can about trauma. This helps to destigmatize why your body responds the way it does.

How a trauma therapist can help

A trauma therapist can help you douse your shame with empathy. It can be difficulty o feel empathy on your own, especially if you have never experienced from someone else before. A therapist can help you feel empathy for the first time. Then, over time, you will be able to feel that empathy toward yourself.

Therapists are trained to empathize with clients, validate your experience, and listen with compassion. A therapist who is trained in Internal Family Systems Therapy can help you attend to polarized parts of you so that you can find your own way toward self-compassion.

3. Make safe social connections

People are wounded in relationships and people heal in relationships. Trauma is a brain injury that occurs when there has been painful social learning.

In order to heal from trauma, it will be important to surround yourself with people who can support you with empathy. It will also be important separate yourself from people who are actively injuring you. In order to surround yourself with positive social connections you will need to:

• Learn what healthy relationships look like
• Learn how to effectively advocate for yourself
• Learn how to set boundaries
• Discern when a relationship is not safe for you
• Make a plan to get out of unsafe relationships
• Grieve lost relationships

What you can do on your own

In order to start making safe social connections on your own I recommend that you start by learning the tools of a healthy relationship. Here are some resources to get you started.

I would recommend starting with the work of Dr. John Gottman. Dr. Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington who has been studying martial relationships and intimate partnerships for decades. He has written several books about what makes relationships last. I would recommend starting with 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. You can also find numerous articles and videos by googling his name.

I also recommend the work of Sue Johnson who talks about attachment in relationships. While John Gottman talks about tools, Sue Johnson talks about the underlying need that each of us has to feel connected with our spouse or partner. We need to feel as though the other person is there for us and like we are their first go-to in times of need and excitement. I recommend starting with the book Hold Me Tight. You might also benefit from An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald.

To learn to set boundaries, I recommend learning about codependency. Start with Melody Beattie’s books. You could start with Codependent No More. 

These books can also help you learn to set boundaries:

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab is a practical every-day guide to the art of setting boundaries.
• Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a book written for individuals of Christian faiths. The authors also have another book, Boundaries in Marriage which is all about setting boundaries in your marriage.
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD is a book for individuals who want to heal from distant, rejecting, and self-involved parents.

Discern when a relationship is not safe for you

• Patrick Teahan LICSW talks about childhood trauma recovery and he has a YouTube channel where he role plays what toxic parent-adult child relationships look like and what healthy relationships look like. Find his channel at https://www.youtube.com/@patrickteahanlicswtherapy
• Lundy Bancroft wrote a number of books that help women to discern whether their husbands or partners are being abusive.

Get out of unsafe relationships

• Washington 211 is a resource that anyone can use to find any resource they need in Washington. I used to give this number out when I worked for a crisis help line. It was the exact system that we used to help people get connected with resources. Simply dial 211 or go to https://wa211.org/.

How a trauma therapist can help

If you have never experienced a healthy relationship, it can be difficult to discern what one feels like. A therapist is someone who is trained to engage in a healthy dynamic with you. Many people feel seen, believed, and valued for the first time with a therapist.

Therapy can also be a place where you can practice your skills. There may be times when you need to be vulnerable with your therapist and tell them that something about the relationship isn’t working for you. You can build confidence in your ability to advocate for yourself and set boundaries when you practice with your therapist and experience good, healthy results.

A therapist can also provide coaching. They can model language and role play scenarios with you. There have been many times when I have channeled the words and the energy of my therapist when navigating difficult conversations in my life.

4. Learn to Detect Safety in Your Environment Even When You Feel Threatened

It can be helpful to lean on others to help you discern safety. As you heal from trauma, this will help you to know whether a situation is safe or unsafe. However, you don’t necessarily have to do this with a therapist.

What you can do on your own

You can learn to detect safety in your environment by leaning on others to test your reality. You can ask for honest feedback. When you are in a safe relationship you can ask the person whether they are feeling threatened. Sometimes when we realize that others are not threatened like we are, we can realize that the situation is safe.

Another way to do this on your own is by checking your thoughts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy workbooks will have exercises to help you do this. The Feeling Good Handbook has good exercises.

Once you realize that you’re safe, check in with your body and notice what it feels like when you’re not in danger.

How a trauma therapist can help

Therapists know that trauma survivors often cannot detect safety until someone helps them. This becomes one of the roles of the therapist.

5. Learn how to detect your body’s threat response

Have you ever noticed that your muscles tighten when you feel stressed? This is your body’s threat response. And if you’ve experienced trauma then my guess is that your muscles are constricted more often than not. In order to relax this threat response, you will need the ability to detect that it’s happening in the first place. The ability to notice what’s happening in your body is known as interoception and there is a lot that you can do on your own to improve this skill.

What you can do on your own

Trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk has found that yoga can help with interoception. He now recommends it as an evidence-based treatment for Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. When you engage in yoga, you are bringing your awareness into your body and improving your interoception.

In addition to yoga, you can practice interoception through relaxation. Here are some exercises to get you started.

Body scan. Scan your body from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. As you scan, notice any muscles that feel tight. Relax those muscles.

Pelvic Floor Relaxation. If you relax these muscles, then they will simultaneously relax all muscles in the body at one. These are the only muscles that can do this. With your finger, find your pelvic bones and your sitting bones. Imagine that there is a rectangle drawn between these four points. The area inside the rectangle is the area that you are going to relax. As you count to 20, imagine that this rectangle is expanding while you relax the muscles inside the rectangle. Notice any relaxation that you feel in your body.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation. If you have been tensing your muscles for a long time, it can be difficult to feel the difference between relaxation and tension. This exercise helps you to feel the difference. Tense and relax parts of your body. Notice what it feels like when you tense the muscles and then notice what it feels like when you relax the muscles. Once you have relaxed all parts of your body, squeeze all muscles at once and then release them, imagining that a wave of relaxation is washing over your body. Notice and memorize this feeling.

Once you have successfully experienced what it feels like to relax, practice checking in with your body periodically throughout the day. If your muscles are tense, quickly use your favorite exercise to release the tension. Notice the difference between tension and relaxation.

Remember to check with a doctor if you have concern about your ability to engage in yoga or to tighten and relax muscles.

How a trauma therapist can help

If you find it difficult to notice the difference between tension and relaxation then a therapist can help. Your therapist will work with you to find strategies that custom fit your needs. Sometimes there are also mental blocks to relaxation. Your therapist can help you to clear these.

6. Learn skills to interrupt your body’s threat response

Once you can notice when your body is under threat and you have a strategy that helps you to interrupt it, you can start to interrupt your body’s threat response throughout the day.

What you can do on your own

Take your favorite strategy and then shorten it to three seconds or less. For example, if you are able to relax your whole body using the pelvic floor relaxation technique, then practice condensing the technique to three seconds or less. 

How a trauma therapist can help

Your therapist can show you even more strategies that can help. You will have someone to check in with and to reflect back your progress.

7. In vivo exposure

In vivo exposure means facing threatening situations in real life while practicing staying in a calm body. You don’t have to go out of your way to find these situations and you should not be putting yourself in harm’s way to do so. The idea is to simply go about life while checking in with your body and keeping your body relaxed.

What you can do on your own

Start by going about your daily routine while practicing checking in with your body. If you notice tension, release it. Say to yourself, “I’m having a threat response” and then release your muscles.

Next, if you have anything in your life that you want to be able to do but have been avoiding because of overwhelming emotions, start doing those things! Make a list of the things that you want to be able to do. Break them down into concrete steps. Then order them from the least frightening to the most frightening. Start with the things that are less frightening and practice keeping yourself in a calm body. Notice what that’s like. Were you able to do it? As you do this, you can expect to build more confidence in your ability to take on harder tasks.

How a Trauma Therapist Can Help

A therapist can help you identify the tasks that you want to take on. Your therapist will be there as a support person who can reflect back your progress and help you when you get stuck.

Conclusion

As you can see, there is a lot that you can do to heal your trauma on your own. These steps are enough for at least half of trauma survivors. If you are still having trauma symptoms, then a therapist can help you process painful memories using a trauma therapy like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing or Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Even if this becomes necessary, there is still much that you can do on your own in order to help your progress along. And even if you decide to work with a therapist through each of these steps, your time and money will be used much more efficiently.

If you want to go even deeper into your self-healing journey, check out Emotions Made Simple. It’s a self-help course designed to help people make sense of overwhelming emotions and take massive action toward their goals. There are many skills that can help with trauma. Learn more about it here.

Thank you for trusting me with this part of your healing journey.

The information in this post is general information for educational purposes only. While Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor, the information on this site is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or psychological advice. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-client relationship.

The post 7 Ways to Heal From Trauma Without Going to Therapy appeared first on Sheena Kaas Mudaliar, MA; LMHC.